Starting Over

Alright. So, yesterday was the day that Fertility Friend wanted me to test. Jason and I had discussed that if no sign of AF had appeared by the weekend, we'd get me a test then. So, I took my temperature before getting out of bed yesterday, then headed to the bathroom and discovered that she had arrived.

In the 6 months that we have been trying, I had yet to be truly disappointed when she showed her ugly self. Yesterday was a different story though. I wanted it so bad and just "knew" that it was going to happen last month that I was extremely disappointed. I say I "knew" because the due date would have been at the end of July, right when Jason has band camp in Prescott. It would be the most inconvenient time to go into labor - he'd be out of town, my water would break - he'd have to rush down the mountain without the kids (don't worry, they'd have parents and district staff there so it would be allowed) - it would just be bad timing. And, I "knew" because of the bad timing, it would happen. And, I had purchased the VIP membership for fertility friend so I started tracking any and all symptoms or signs that I would have, started reading any spike and wondering if it was a "triphasic" chart or wondering if any dip would be an "implantation dip"... I had all this hope and anticipation and excitement built up that it all came crashing down.

I never thought that I would be one to be truly upset if it didn't happen. I knew that it would happen when it happens... So, the fact that I would be crying off and on sitting at my cube yesterday... that was surprising to me. I told a coworker of mine not to worry about me - then I ended up briefly saying that we are TTC and that this "we'll see what happens" front is just a front to avoid questions. I also said (and this is how I feel) that due to my mom's 3 miscarriages, I feel like I want to hurry up and get pregnant, have my miscarriage so I can move on and start the real thing. I'm completely expecting to have a miscarriage and because of that, anytime that goes by where I'm not pregnant to lead to this miscarriage just means it will be that much longer before I become pregnant for real! Might sound silly on the miscarriage part, maybe I do that so that I won't be too disappointed/sad if/when it happens.

But, yesterday, I felt like if I had someone tell me that they were pregnant that same day that I might yell, throw something, sob uncontrollably, not really sure. But, then again, it depends on who that was... There are a few that I would be truly happy for, and there are others that, if told yesterday, would just make me angry. If told today... well, I'm not really sure.